For the Rest of My Life

I took a long aimless drive on a frigid Christmas night.
I traveled though an unprecedented storm of snow down some formidable country roads.
I had to do it alone,
I had to find my way back home
meanwhile hearing my lonesome heart breaking beneath the slush, sleet, and stone.
And all by myself,
as I was fraught with fright,
I wish I had some other gloved hand to be clenched in mine ever so tight.
I wish I had someone else by my side as I drove until I saw the dawning light.
But I had to do it all by myself as I found my way through the artic hell with my frozen blood cells on that one unforgettable Noel.

Here I sit and reminisce on all my yesterdays,
I think of the month of May through the summer and through the month of December and all the way through February and Valentine's Day.
All by myself I have been.
All by myself with a doorway to a heart where no one could walk in.
All by myself with no beloved in whom could bask in my zeal and presence, my appeal and ambition, and curing my lovesickness and malnutrition.
Does that soul-mate exist or is her arrival being delayed?
No one else deserves to suffer with me in my plights, strife, and terrible fates.
No one should have to endure what I have to face in being stricken with damages all the same in these wearisome plagues.

So here I promenade along this gigantic stadium's stage.
Sit down and watch some imaginary circus parade march along in a marvelous cavalcade.
All by myself I journey through the ghettos and projects and see every dilapidated building and sidewalk.
All by myself I stand on the pier and venture around the docks.
All by myself I journey to the hills, the mountains, and climb every rock.
So as I voyage across the Mediterranean Sea and view the most superlative sights to see
is there anyone else to come along side and join me in feeling lonely?

Look here, look at me building a home with only my two hands so it seems.
No one else to build and live this dream with me.
It is just a one man team.
Sitting in my living room and conversing with a never-departing visitor of unfriendliness and solitude.
He is the same one that never ceases to constantly intrude and be so rude with his poignant anecdotes that forebode my forever oppressed and darkest moods because I am lacking in having someone's love in great plenitude. 

So he says..... I shall forever remain....

in a place where there is not another pair of eyes into which I can stare as I sit in this wooden chair.
A place where no one calls my name from the basement,
from the top of the stairs,
from the attic,
or from anywhere.
Forever this only remains as my lair.
There is no one with whom I can share an authority over a precious progeny and a home that we would take of care.
I try to be happy in singularity but it becomes nothing but a teeth grappling snare.
Forsaken matrimony is a forbidden disunity and a burden I will bear.
To throw away that feeling of wanting a fusion that is binary with someone to me who will be so debonair.

Shuffle a deck of cards at this deserted and isolated bar as I sit sober all alone in the semi-dark.
Play poker with this invisible individual at this table.
Share words of wisdom; share my heart with my imaginary friend because I am unstable,
I am inexplicably and inextricably troubled, and spiritually disabled.
I listen to him share with me inspirational fables to help me become philosophically equipped and intellectually enabled.
Once he has disappeared, I shall finish my last beer and be the last man to leave and walk along the junction yard that is connected to the pier.
As I traipse down the alleyways I listen to the bats and rodents as they talk.
I watch and listen as they cackle and gawk and use their foreign languages as they point to me and mock.

Because my character is not perfectly together
I shall forever go without a ring on my finger.
Because my patience is as sturdy as the fabric of a feather,
I shall forever remain a miniscule portion left in separation from God's other vast constellations of human populations to wither out in the weather.
All along to die in a bewildering world with well-worn whores and people who put me in danger with the most deliberate dolorous displeasure.

The only way to run from all of this......

decades and decades spent intending to invent an impeccable self image, an impeccable human being with an enlivening and non-cumbersome personality.
Decades and decades spent trying to be re-constructed and re-invented flawlessly so someone can live with me in flawless harmony.
But I fail, so in turn it is loneliness I entail,
so my heart and confidence becomes so frail,
and all of this is put on record and does nothing but bring me shame and bring me hell!

Should I breathe my final breath there on that lonely death bed all by myself?
With no one there to hold my hand as the grim reaper creeps in with such stealth?
My story will become some boring autobiography on the shelf,
because it will be a story about a man who deteriorated in his health,
and died all by himself.
For heaven's sake, was I that much of a mistake that I gave everyone such a throbbing headache,
and so that would leave me to drown in Ontario's Lake.

I am all by myself.
I am the flower that will lose magnificence and fluorescence to shrivel up with the passing of the afterglow and become fallen in the dirt where I become swallowed.
I am the diary pages to become crumpled and yellow.
I am the masculine shell to become senile before my ashes accumulate into a pile to be tossed in the Nile, I'll die a lonely Gentile.
Yes, being left for the rest of my life.
Finally lying dead after having a soul that lived a life so tormented, one torn to shreds, one that unremittingly bled, one that could not find the healing addendums and medical appendages so the grotesque features wouldn't become infected and the leprosy wouldn't spread, but inevitably everything ended up turning red.

I shall pay my dues, I shall serve my punishment.
I try so hard to be an angel, but to some people my sins have made me so bewitched and bedeviled.
Entangled in a relationship to selfishness through parasitic symbiosis,
this has become my diagnosis and my odious and terminal illness.
Through this I am bastardized.
My worth and what I have to offer anyone has been minimized.
Too many times in life when I only thought to take what I thought was mine.
Perhaps for the rest of my life I have to pay a sad high price,
a sad penalty that remains a vice,
and I shall remain perpetually paralyzed, pressurized, downsized, demonized, and deserving of to go lifeless and blind.
I forgot to give when I wasn't supposed to take.
Look at me so pathetic, so vain, so emotionally and ethically distorted by so much self-hate and self afflicted pain that persistently permeates everyday!
DAMMIT!! Why does my pride always have to get in the way?!?
I disappoint and discourage my family and friends time and time again.
I have fallen short so many times I have often prayed for a premature end.
Would that help or relieve any of them?

I can't take this anymore! I am sick of all of this!
The closest I can get to finding satisfaction, romance, and bliss is in the fake love from some woman in a graphically pornographic flick.
Oh, how it has become my escape, my home, and my hiding place, and yet in the end never amounts up to anything, anyway.
 So hungry, so empty, and so angry with everyone and everything, always.
Left to hurt and hate myself with my boners, banes, and blatant belittling, but I want to separate.
Why can't I concentrate?  


Lord, tell me. Tell me, must I suffer like this?
Must this always remain endless?
Please, oh please, they say that you won't leave me hopeless!
Please, oh please, they say that you will be gracious!
Please, oh please, I confess my manners and activities in all of their wrongness.
Don't leave me with a song list of words filled with such resentfulness!
GOD!! I CONFESS THIS!!!! GOODNESS!!! BRING ME GOODNESS!! I WANT TO RECLAIM INNOCENCE!!!


For the rest of my life, bring somebody real, somebody real to love me.
For the rest of my life I hope for you to fulfill this need.
For the rest of my life I will beg you please.
If there is no one to be mine,
for the rest of my life,
give me some kind of love to last me until I die.
For the rest of my life,
don't want to be left constantly wondering and questioning why,
because it is too long of a wait before I reach my demise.
I would rather die than to be alone in this life!