Skeletons hovering above your head,
uttering angry obscenities.
Jack-o-lanterns circulating around the room,
reveling in this horrid festivity of torturing you unrelentingly.
These approaching hungry zombies are listening to your bloodcurdling screams.
To them it is the most glorious euphony of the living dead's wildest dreams.
While maniacally chortling,
they are toying with your guilt and shame,
resurfacing vivid memories of these days when you assassinate people for money and fame,
the many people you entrap in your death games.
Anxiety churning in the abdominal muscles,
fear paralyzing the bones,
your nostrils taking in the odor of sulfur and brimstone.
Making you recoil,
making you howl,
making you moan as you are agonizing and convulsing with the greatest fierceness that anyone could ever know.
To the ghoulish jurors, the harassers and the grim reaper's jurisprudence,
you have no alibi, you have lost your defense, by their power you will die.
Hope is evaporating into the ozone as they speak their tirades of vengeful tones.
The room is whirling into a violent cyclone.
There is no way out, nowhere for you to go.
You are left here with them!!!
You are left here to outpour your blood alone!!!!
How will you ever be forgiven
after all that you have done wrong????
Be ready to sing your final song!!!
Remember change,
remember repentance,
Forget not the sorrowfulness of your playmates,
Forget not the sons and daughters your blew to smithereens,
Forget not all of those husbands and wives isolated in lonesomeness.
Turn from your wretched ways of wickedness to be saved.
Tell me, where was I when you were plotting to kill me?
Where was I when you were spying on me from the skyscrapers up above?
See the sickness in your murderous schemes.
See this creativity that is so diabolically arcane.
Do you feel sensation of appalling and unremitting pain?
I don't understand, so let me see,
how do you commit such cleverly organized crime,
these systematically synchronized events of violence you devise?
Sitting in silence,
carefully coordinating your assets in this conspiracy you contrive to libidinously lure in your prey before they are fully victimized?
Do I have to be a homicidal sinner to understand why?
Do you still want to take my life? Do you still want to take my life?
Remember change,
remember repentance,
Forget not the sorrowfulness of your playmates,
Forget not the sons and daughters you blew to smithereens,
Forget not all of those husbands and wives isolated in lonesomeness.
Turn from your wretched ways of wickedness to be saved.
It is still not too late....
An intervention against your psychological pathogen of addiction to destruction.
A rehabilitation for the innocents of abduction. A termination of recurring incidents of your molestation.
I want to see your corporate association and their ritualism be brought under subversion.
I want to see it ALL! I want to watch your buildings FALL! I want to see all that is inhumane to beg for mercy as it CRAWLS!
I wish to tear it apart with my teeth and see the wound as it festers and BLEEDS !
I wish to dig up the bad seeds, dig up the worms and mega-centipedes.
I want to find the alpha breed, and extirpate every one of the homogenous families
I want to learn where the monster feeds,
so that I can kill him when he is not LOOKING ! ! !
I want to end it all before it begins.
I want to end it all before it begins.
Stopping it before it sprouts and rears its ugly head.
But as for the one still alive, standing before the judge with one final chance....
Remember change,
remember repentance,
forget not the sorrowfulness of your playmates,
forget not the sons and daughters you blew to smithereens,
forget not the husbands and wives isolated in lonesomeness.
Turn from your wretched ways of wickedness to be saved......
before you reach your end.......
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Virgin Eyes
Two hearts of singleness to cherish each other's personalities of sweetness.
Two hearts to be equated in compatibility after years of feeling beaten and defeated.
She was there with me in the passengers seat,
wrapping her arms around my shoulders,
and fondling my ear with her winsome whisper.
It was that feeling of forever.
Two lovely souls to be coupled to make a sacred two pieced whole.
Two lonely souls sitting on an airplane,
voyaging from Montana to the state of Maine.
Side by side,
hand in hand,
pressed close together,
with her head buried in my chest.
It could not be much better than this.
This is because she is everything that I want,
she is everything I need, and she is everything to me.
I am so enamored I can hardly sleep so that I can dream.
This is because my wildest dream has been birthed to reality.
One day I will be wedded to sleep with this wonderful lady
and her wonderful virgin eyes.
Two lives once miserable and crestfallen,
but now made un-restless by a melodious accompaniment in the singing of their duet.
These two believers of the musicology of life.
In every scene there is a superb movie theme.
That everything is laced and interwoven with treasuring beauty,
and we all have yet to make the discovery.
That every predicament can be perceived as a splendiferous adventure.
When life becomes dramatically overturned the other is there to help lessen the discomfiture.
We two story-tellers,
we two thrill seekers,
we two passionate journalists and poets.
A union so perfect,
so inseparable,
it is impossible to be broken.
No matter where we go we are always remembering we are forever remaining unbroken.
This is because she is everything that I want,
she is everything I need, and she is everything to me.
I am so enamored I can hardly sleep so that I can dream.
This is because my wildest dream has been birthed to reality.
One day I will be wedded to sleep with this wonderful lady
and her wonderful virgin eyes.
Although they say.......
Love is blind.
Indeed, it is blind like me.
Too blind to see, and too deaf to hear the train coming.
Too asleep to know that the plane is crashing.
To unaware to even know of the pit in which I am falling.
But even still, I have forced myself to believe......
I am strong,
I am confident,
and I am comfortable about myself,
I am quickly believing in me and uniformly believing in her for myself.
Outrageously courageous, I am more than ready for this than I have ever been for anyone else.
I am entrusting,
not just hoping,
but I am faithfully and steadfastly believing,
and never intending to be ceasing nor wavering in my decision making and my innermost, utmost, solemnest feelings.
We travel back to our hometown to stay.
Never thinking that I would fall in love on through my journey half way.
She was someone that I remember from long ago in elementary school days.
And like they say, love works in mysterious ways.
But this time, it is nothing what it seems.
Yes, I say that nothing ever is what it seems.
But I have to put that in the back of my mind because.....
She is everything that I want,
she is everything I need, and she is everything to me.
I am so enamored I can hardly sleep so that I can dream.
This is because my wildest dream has been birthed to reality.
One day I will be wedded to sleep with this wonderful lady
and her wonderful virgin eyes.
How could it not be? She is standing there insisting and constantly professing
that she will forever remain in the realm of the forever unchanging.
Renting an apartment,
becoming engaged,
I think that you are the one for me.
Unfortunately, as I will see,
plans and choices such as these are being made so hastily,
and leading me astray so far from practicality.
I have to scream aloud, "Oh dear me, what the hell was I thinking!?!"
AND NOW WE SEE....
Reprehensibility overshadowed congeniality.
Clever falsities feigned sincerities.
Illusory feelings impersonated incontestable intimacy.
Illusory moralities were the imposters of an immaculate reality.
The strangest and most terrible thing happened to me. An unfathomable tragedy has arisen so unexpectedly.
I cannot believe that I am not dreaming.
Why am I not dreaming?
Is that another man that I see her kissing?
How is this happening?
Why couldn't I see this coming?
What happened to me in the beginning?
Now, someone tell me where I am going!!!!!!!
With my suspicious intuition I feel this petrifying odd vibration that lets me know
you are not alone sitting in someone's hotel talking to me on the telephone.
It all becomes sickeningly and vividly clear as I hear your friendly visitors in the background as they moan.
They can smell the aroma of alcoholic and orgasmic substance absorbed into the bed sheets and on your clothes.
Tasting nicotine and whisky in your mouth,
on your skin,
they work so fast they are left breathless.
Suffused in sweat and relishing you in your nakedness.
I am nauseated by these mental images invoked by the sounds,
and in knowing that I had never done such a thing with you,
because I was waiting to be wedded with you.
You are, night after night becoming more and more sinfully filthy having orgy after orgy.
The multiplicities of male and female participants filming your techniques.
You are all becoming the greatest stars in online pornography.
The memory of how the world converted you to this belly-aching monstrous business of harlotry.
Every night, I am vomiting in the toilet endlessly,
because of just knowing how the world stole you from me!!
THEY TOOK YOU FROM ME!!!
I can't believe she was once everything that I wanted,
she was once everything that i needed,
she was at once everything to me.
I crowned a glamorous princess to be my beauty queen but became a lascivious mistress to thousands of others kings.
I am so disturbed that I can hardly sleep and escape into a dream.
This is because the wildest nightmare keeps me awake to reality.
She has gone off to sell her virginity, and to sell her soul to harlotry.
How could I lose the love of my life?
This hurts so much I feel like I could die.
It's like pushing my face through a wall of knives.
I pray for you every night.
Yes, I pray for you every night.
Although my heart is arrested by angst,
my heart feels vengeful,
my heart feels hateful,
I feel so pitiful.
But still I pray for you ever night.
Save her sanity,
save her from her dangerous oversight,
save her soul from what is so unsanitary,
save her and bring her to my bedside.
Save her to become my wife.
Two hearts to be equated in compatibility after years of feeling beaten and defeated.
She was there with me in the passengers seat,
wrapping her arms around my shoulders,
and fondling my ear with her winsome whisper.
It was that feeling of forever.
Two lovely souls to be coupled to make a sacred two pieced whole.
Two lonely souls sitting on an airplane,
voyaging from Montana to the state of Maine.
Side by side,
hand in hand,
pressed close together,
with her head buried in my chest.
It could not be much better than this.
This is because she is everything that I want,
she is everything I need, and she is everything to me.
I am so enamored I can hardly sleep so that I can dream.
This is because my wildest dream has been birthed to reality.
One day I will be wedded to sleep with this wonderful lady
and her wonderful virgin eyes.
Two lives once miserable and crestfallen,
but now made un-restless by a melodious accompaniment in the singing of their duet.
These two believers of the musicology of life.
In every scene there is a superb movie theme.
That everything is laced and interwoven with treasuring beauty,
and we all have yet to make the discovery.
That every predicament can be perceived as a splendiferous adventure.
When life becomes dramatically overturned the other is there to help lessen the discomfiture.
We two story-tellers,
we two thrill seekers,
we two passionate journalists and poets.
A union so perfect,
so inseparable,
it is impossible to be broken.
No matter where we go we are always remembering we are forever remaining unbroken.
This is because she is everything that I want,
she is everything I need, and she is everything to me.
I am so enamored I can hardly sleep so that I can dream.
This is because my wildest dream has been birthed to reality.
One day I will be wedded to sleep with this wonderful lady
and her wonderful virgin eyes.
Although they say.......
Love is blind.
Indeed, it is blind like me.
Too blind to see, and too deaf to hear the train coming.
Too asleep to know that the plane is crashing.
To unaware to even know of the pit in which I am falling.
But even still, I have forced myself to believe......
I am strong,
I am confident,
and I am comfortable about myself,
I am quickly believing in me and uniformly believing in her for myself.
Outrageously courageous, I am more than ready for this than I have ever been for anyone else.
I am entrusting,
not just hoping,
but I am faithfully and steadfastly believing,
and never intending to be ceasing nor wavering in my decision making and my innermost, utmost, solemnest feelings.
We travel back to our hometown to stay.
Never thinking that I would fall in love on through my journey half way.
She was someone that I remember from long ago in elementary school days.
And like they say, love works in mysterious ways.
But this time, it is nothing what it seems.
Yes, I say that nothing ever is what it seems.
But I have to put that in the back of my mind because.....
She is everything that I want,
she is everything I need, and she is everything to me.
I am so enamored I can hardly sleep so that I can dream.
This is because my wildest dream has been birthed to reality.
One day I will be wedded to sleep with this wonderful lady
and her wonderful virgin eyes.
How could it not be? She is standing there insisting and constantly professing
that she will forever remain in the realm of the forever unchanging.
Renting an apartment,
becoming engaged,
I think that you are the one for me.
Unfortunately, as I will see,
plans and choices such as these are being made so hastily,
and leading me astray so far from practicality.
I have to scream aloud, "Oh dear me, what the hell was I thinking!?!"
AND NOW WE SEE....
Reprehensibility overshadowed congeniality.
Clever falsities feigned sincerities.
Illusory feelings impersonated incontestable intimacy.
Illusory moralities were the imposters of an immaculate reality.
The strangest and most terrible thing happened to me. An unfathomable tragedy has arisen so unexpectedly.
I cannot believe that I am not dreaming.
Why am I not dreaming?
Is that another man that I see her kissing?
How is this happening?
Why couldn't I see this coming?
What happened to me in the beginning?
Now, someone tell me where I am going!!!!!!!
With my suspicious intuition I feel this petrifying odd vibration that lets me know
you are not alone sitting in someone's hotel talking to me on the telephone.
It all becomes sickeningly and vividly clear as I hear your friendly visitors in the background as they moan.
They can smell the aroma of alcoholic and orgasmic substance absorbed into the bed sheets and on your clothes.
Tasting nicotine and whisky in your mouth,
on your skin,
they work so fast they are left breathless.
Suffused in sweat and relishing you in your nakedness.
I am nauseated by these mental images invoked by the sounds,
and in knowing that I had never done such a thing with you,
because I was waiting to be wedded with you.
You are, night after night becoming more and more sinfully filthy having orgy after orgy.
The multiplicities of male and female participants filming your techniques.
You are all becoming the greatest stars in online pornography.
The memory of how the world converted you to this belly-aching monstrous business of harlotry.
Every night, I am vomiting in the toilet endlessly,
because of just knowing how the world stole you from me!!
THEY TOOK YOU FROM ME!!!
I can't believe she was once everything that I wanted,
she was once everything that i needed,
she was at once everything to me.
I crowned a glamorous princess to be my beauty queen but became a lascivious mistress to thousands of others kings.
I am so disturbed that I can hardly sleep and escape into a dream.
This is because the wildest nightmare keeps me awake to reality.
She has gone off to sell her virginity, and to sell her soul to harlotry.
How could I lose the love of my life?
This hurts so much I feel like I could die.
It's like pushing my face through a wall of knives.
I pray for you every night.
Yes, I pray for you every night.
Although my heart is arrested by angst,
my heart feels vengeful,
my heart feels hateful,
I feel so pitiful.
But still I pray for you ever night.
Save her sanity,
save her from her dangerous oversight,
save her soul from what is so unsanitary,
save her and bring her to my bedside.
Save her to become my wife.
For the Rest of My Life
I took a long aimless drive on a frigid Christmas night.
I traveled though an unprecedented storm of snow down some formidable country roads.
I had to do it alone,
I had to find my way back home
meanwhile hearing my lonesome heart breaking beneath the slush, sleet, and stone.
And all by myself,
as I was fraught with fright,
I wish I had some other gloved hand to be clenched in mine ever so tight.
I wish I had someone else by my side as I drove until I saw the dawning light.
But I had to do it all by myself as I found my way through the artic hell with my frozen blood cells on that one unforgettable Noel.
Here I sit and reminisce on all my yesterdays,
I think of the month of May through the summer and through the month of December and all the way through February and Valentine's Day.
All by myself I have been.
All by myself with a doorway to a heart where no one could walk in.
All by myself with no beloved in whom could bask in my zeal and presence, my appeal and ambition, and curing my lovesickness and malnutrition.
Does that soul-mate exist or is her arrival being delayed?
No one else deserves to suffer with me in my plights, strife, and terrible fates.
No one should have to endure what I have to face in being stricken with damages all the same in these wearisome plagues.
So here I promenade along this gigantic stadium's stage.
Sit down and watch some imaginary circus parade march along in a marvelous cavalcade.
All by myself I journey through the ghettos and projects and see every dilapidated building and sidewalk.
All by myself I stand on the pier and venture around the docks.
All by myself I journey to the hills, the mountains, and climb every rock.
So as I voyage across the Mediterranean Sea and view the most superlative sights to see
is there anyone else to come along side and join me in feeling lonely?
Look here, look at me building a home with only my two hands so it seems.
No one else to build and live this dream with me.
It is just a one man team.
Sitting in my living room and conversing with a never-departing visitor of unfriendliness and solitude.
He is the same one that never ceases to constantly intrude and be so rude with his poignant anecdotes that forebode my forever oppressed and darkest moods because I am lacking in having someone's love in great plenitude.
So he says..... I shall forever remain....
in a place where there is not another pair of eyes into which I can stare as I sit in this wooden chair.
A place where no one calls my name from the basement,
from the top of the stairs,
from the attic,
or from anywhere.
Forever this only remains as my lair.
There is no one with whom I can share an authority over a precious progeny and a home that we would take of care.
I try to be happy in singularity but it becomes nothing but a teeth grappling snare.
Forsaken matrimony is a forbidden disunity and a burden I will bear.
To throw away that feeling of wanting a fusion that is binary with someone to me who will be so debonair.
Shuffle a deck of cards at this deserted and isolated bar as I sit sober all alone in the semi-dark.
Play poker with this invisible individual at this table.
Share words of wisdom; share my heart with my imaginary friend because I am unstable,
I am inexplicably and inextricably troubled, and spiritually disabled.
I listen to him share with me inspirational fables to help me become philosophically equipped and intellectually enabled.
Once he has disappeared, I shall finish my last beer and be the last man to leave and walk along the junction yard that is connected to the pier.
As I traipse down the alleyways I listen to the bats and rodents as they talk.
I watch and listen as they cackle and gawk and use their foreign languages as they point to me and mock.
Because my character is not perfectly together
I shall forever go without a ring on my finger.
Because my patience is as sturdy as the fabric of a feather,
I shall forever remain a miniscule portion left in separation from God's other vast constellations of human populations to wither out in the weather.
All along to die in a bewildering world with well-worn whores and people who put me in danger with the most deliberate dolorous displeasure.
The only way to run from all of this......
decades and decades spent intending to invent an impeccable self image, an impeccable human being with an enlivening and non-cumbersome personality.
Decades and decades spent trying to be re-constructed and re-invented flawlessly so someone can live with me in flawless harmony.
But I fail, so in turn it is loneliness I entail,
so my heart and confidence becomes so frail,
and all of this is put on record and does nothing but bring me shame and bring me hell!
Should I breathe my final breath there on that lonely death bed all by myself?
With no one there to hold my hand as the grim reaper creeps in with such stealth?
My story will become some boring autobiography on the shelf,
because it will be a story about a man who deteriorated in his health,
and died all by himself.
For heaven's sake, was I that much of a mistake that I gave everyone such a throbbing headache,
and so that would leave me to drown in Ontario's Lake.
I am all by myself.
I am the flower that will lose magnificence and fluorescence to shrivel up with the passing of the afterglow and become fallen in the dirt where I become swallowed.
I am the diary pages to become crumpled and yellow.
I am the masculine shell to become senile before my ashes accumulate into a pile to be tossed in the Nile, I'll die a lonely Gentile.
Yes, being left for the rest of my life.
Finally lying dead after having a soul that lived a life so tormented, one torn to shreds, one that unremittingly bled, one that could not find the healing addendums and medical appendages so the grotesque features wouldn't become infected and the leprosy wouldn't spread, but inevitably everything ended up turning red.
I shall pay my dues, I shall serve my punishment.
I try so hard to be an angel, but to some people my sins have made me so bewitched and bedeviled.
Entangled in a relationship to selfishness through parasitic symbiosis,
this has become my diagnosis and my odious and terminal illness.
Through this I am bastardized.
My worth and what I have to offer anyone has been minimized.
Too many times in life when I only thought to take what I thought was mine.
Perhaps for the rest of my life I have to pay a sad high price,
a sad penalty that remains a vice,
and I shall remain perpetually paralyzed, pressurized, downsized, demonized, and deserving of to go lifeless and blind.
I forgot to give when I wasn't supposed to take.
Look at me so pathetic, so vain, so emotionally and ethically distorted by so much self-hate and self afflicted pain that persistently permeates everyday!
DAMMIT!! Why does my pride always have to get in the way?!?
I disappoint and discourage my family and friends time and time again.
I have fallen short so many times I have often prayed for a premature end.
Would that help or relieve any of them?
I can't take this anymore! I am sick of all of this!
The closest I can get to finding satisfaction, romance, and bliss is in the fake love from some woman in a graphically pornographic flick.
Oh, how it has become my escape, my home, and my hiding place, and yet in the end never amounts up to anything, anyway.
So hungry, so empty, and so angry with everyone and everything, always.
Left to hurt and hate myself with my boners, banes, and blatant belittling, but I want to separate.
Why can't I concentrate?
Lord, tell me. Tell me, must I suffer like this?
Must this always remain endless?
Please, oh please, they say that you won't leave me hopeless!
Please, oh please, they say that you will be gracious!
Please, oh please, I confess my manners and activities in all of their wrongness.
Don't leave me with a song list of words filled with such resentfulness!
GOD!! I CONFESS THIS!!!! GOODNESS!!! BRING ME GOODNESS!! I WANT TO RECLAIM INNOCENCE!!!
For the rest of my life, bring somebody real, somebody real to love me.
For the rest of my life I hope for you to fulfill this need.
For the rest of my life I will beg you please.
If there is no one to be mine,
for the rest of my life,
give me some kind of love to last me until I die.
For the rest of my life,
don't want to be left constantly wondering and questioning why,
because it is too long of a wait before I reach my demise.
I would rather die than to be alone in this life!
I traveled though an unprecedented storm of snow down some formidable country roads.
I had to do it alone,
I had to find my way back home
meanwhile hearing my lonesome heart breaking beneath the slush, sleet, and stone.
And all by myself,
as I was fraught with fright,
I wish I had some other gloved hand to be clenched in mine ever so tight.
I wish I had someone else by my side as I drove until I saw the dawning light.
But I had to do it all by myself as I found my way through the artic hell with my frozen blood cells on that one unforgettable Noel.
Here I sit and reminisce on all my yesterdays,
I think of the month of May through the summer and through the month of December and all the way through February and Valentine's Day.
All by myself I have been.
All by myself with a doorway to a heart where no one could walk in.
All by myself with no beloved in whom could bask in my zeal and presence, my appeal and ambition, and curing my lovesickness and malnutrition.
Does that soul-mate exist or is her arrival being delayed?
No one else deserves to suffer with me in my plights, strife, and terrible fates.
No one should have to endure what I have to face in being stricken with damages all the same in these wearisome plagues.
So here I promenade along this gigantic stadium's stage.
Sit down and watch some imaginary circus parade march along in a marvelous cavalcade.
All by myself I journey through the ghettos and projects and see every dilapidated building and sidewalk.
All by myself I stand on the pier and venture around the docks.
All by myself I journey to the hills, the mountains, and climb every rock.
So as I voyage across the Mediterranean Sea and view the most superlative sights to see
is there anyone else to come along side and join me in feeling lonely?
Look here, look at me building a home with only my two hands so it seems.
No one else to build and live this dream with me.
It is just a one man team.
Sitting in my living room and conversing with a never-departing visitor of unfriendliness and solitude.
He is the same one that never ceases to constantly intrude and be so rude with his poignant anecdotes that forebode my forever oppressed and darkest moods because I am lacking in having someone's love in great plenitude.
So he says..... I shall forever remain....
in a place where there is not another pair of eyes into which I can stare as I sit in this wooden chair.
A place where no one calls my name from the basement,
from the top of the stairs,
from the attic,
or from anywhere.
Forever this only remains as my lair.
There is no one with whom I can share an authority over a precious progeny and a home that we would take of care.
I try to be happy in singularity but it becomes nothing but a teeth grappling snare.
Forsaken matrimony is a forbidden disunity and a burden I will bear.
To throw away that feeling of wanting a fusion that is binary with someone to me who will be so debonair.
Shuffle a deck of cards at this deserted and isolated bar as I sit sober all alone in the semi-dark.
Play poker with this invisible individual at this table.
Share words of wisdom; share my heart with my imaginary friend because I am unstable,
I am inexplicably and inextricably troubled, and spiritually disabled.
I listen to him share with me inspirational fables to help me become philosophically equipped and intellectually enabled.
Once he has disappeared, I shall finish my last beer and be the last man to leave and walk along the junction yard that is connected to the pier.
As I traipse down the alleyways I listen to the bats and rodents as they talk.
I watch and listen as they cackle and gawk and use their foreign languages as they point to me and mock.
Because my character is not perfectly together
I shall forever go without a ring on my finger.
Because my patience is as sturdy as the fabric of a feather,
I shall forever remain a miniscule portion left in separation from God's other vast constellations of human populations to wither out in the weather.
All along to die in a bewildering world with well-worn whores and people who put me in danger with the most deliberate dolorous displeasure.
The only way to run from all of this......
decades and decades spent intending to invent an impeccable self image, an impeccable human being with an enlivening and non-cumbersome personality.
Decades and decades spent trying to be re-constructed and re-invented flawlessly so someone can live with me in flawless harmony.
But I fail, so in turn it is loneliness I entail,
so my heart and confidence becomes so frail,
and all of this is put on record and does nothing but bring me shame and bring me hell!
Should I breathe my final breath there on that lonely death bed all by myself?
With no one there to hold my hand as the grim reaper creeps in with such stealth?
My story will become some boring autobiography on the shelf,
because it will be a story about a man who deteriorated in his health,
and died all by himself.
For heaven's sake, was I that much of a mistake that I gave everyone such a throbbing headache,
and so that would leave me to drown in Ontario's Lake.
I am all by myself.
I am the flower that will lose magnificence and fluorescence to shrivel up with the passing of the afterglow and become fallen in the dirt where I become swallowed.
I am the diary pages to become crumpled and yellow.
I am the masculine shell to become senile before my ashes accumulate into a pile to be tossed in the Nile, I'll die a lonely Gentile.
Yes, being left for the rest of my life.
Finally lying dead after having a soul that lived a life so tormented, one torn to shreds, one that unremittingly bled, one that could not find the healing addendums and medical appendages so the grotesque features wouldn't become infected and the leprosy wouldn't spread, but inevitably everything ended up turning red.
I shall pay my dues, I shall serve my punishment.
I try so hard to be an angel, but to some people my sins have made me so bewitched and bedeviled.
Entangled in a relationship to selfishness through parasitic symbiosis,
this has become my diagnosis and my odious and terminal illness.
Through this I am bastardized.
My worth and what I have to offer anyone has been minimized.
Too many times in life when I only thought to take what I thought was mine.
Perhaps for the rest of my life I have to pay a sad high price,
a sad penalty that remains a vice,
and I shall remain perpetually paralyzed, pressurized, downsized, demonized, and deserving of to go lifeless and blind.
I forgot to give when I wasn't supposed to take.
Look at me so pathetic, so vain, so emotionally and ethically distorted by so much self-hate and self afflicted pain that persistently permeates everyday!
DAMMIT!! Why does my pride always have to get in the way?!?
I disappoint and discourage my family and friends time and time again.
I have fallen short so many times I have often prayed for a premature end.
Would that help or relieve any of them?
I can't take this anymore! I am sick of all of this!
The closest I can get to finding satisfaction, romance, and bliss is in the fake love from some woman in a graphically pornographic flick.
Oh, how it has become my escape, my home, and my hiding place, and yet in the end never amounts up to anything, anyway.
So hungry, so empty, and so angry with everyone and everything, always.
Left to hurt and hate myself with my boners, banes, and blatant belittling, but I want to separate.
Why can't I concentrate?
Lord, tell me. Tell me, must I suffer like this?
Must this always remain endless?
Please, oh please, they say that you won't leave me hopeless!
Please, oh please, they say that you will be gracious!
Please, oh please, I confess my manners and activities in all of their wrongness.
Don't leave me with a song list of words filled with such resentfulness!
GOD!! I CONFESS THIS!!!! GOODNESS!!! BRING ME GOODNESS!! I WANT TO RECLAIM INNOCENCE!!!
For the rest of my life, bring somebody real, somebody real to love me.
For the rest of my life I hope for you to fulfill this need.
For the rest of my life I will beg you please.
If there is no one to be mine,
for the rest of my life,
give me some kind of love to last me until I die.
For the rest of my life,
don't want to be left constantly wondering and questioning why,
because it is too long of a wait before I reach my demise.
I would rather die than to be alone in this life!
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